what can be said after so long? i have had many losses in these past years. people die, animals die, friendships die, possibilities die...i wont bore you with the details. so lets just focus on whats happening now. i am 29 and aging faster than i care to. i have no kids of my own and want one. just one. so i am going to see a reproductive endocrinologist on dec 15th. i have no idea what to really expect and am quite nervous. my "partner", as they refer to him on the paperwork doesnt want to even be mentioned. so i'm going alone. this bothers me as he says he does want more kids just not right now. but if i get pregnant thats cool with him. *eye roll* im very nearing 30 and do not want to be childless. my "partner" is michael. he is just about 22 with 3 kids of his own, ages 4, 2, and 10 months old, so i can understand his hesitation. michael and i live together. i have definitely settled down and stopped sleeping around. now before i met him i had a spurt of sleeping around to see if i got pregnant but i have stopped since getting with him. i dont know if i can say the same for him. well, at least at the beginning of our relationship. enter the storm...when i met michael he claimed to be single. his only issue was with his, in his words..."obsessed", friend storm. according to him they had slept together in the past but he didnt like her, etc. truth was that was his girlfriend but he wanted to break up with her but excuseexcuseexcuse. but currently he's with me. yet he still talks to her...even when i ask him not to. so she plays mind games with me saying he's using me and they're still together and blahblahblah...he denies it, of course. but she has settled down with that and i dont know if i have to worry or not. i keep him satisfied in ALL areas (i believe) and he says i'm better than her anyway. sometimes i dont believe him. but thats just cuz of all the shit ive been thru in the past. i enjoy his company. he is both mature and silly and always makes me laugh. sometimes i think im in love with him. sometimes not. i remember the night i fell in love (?) with him. we went to see saw 6. i layed against his chest and well, mostly covered my eyes during the movie, but when i moved to sit up or something he held me against him and wouldnt let me. he is sweet. steve harvey says profess, provide, protect. he has 2 of the 3 down. i love his kids, too. and i think they love me too. i mean sure they annoy the crap out of me sometimes, but thats expected lol. but the oldest, aniya gave me a hug and kiss goodnight. which has never happened before. well,m then the middle, samaria, did the same. made me feel good. feels good to have a family of my own. but all i keep thinking about is if michael and i break up, i wont have anything of my own. i will be alone again. is that a selfish reason for me to have a kid? i know he is so curious as to what i'm putting in here cuz he keeps looking over trying to see. i told him he could read it...lol.
also, sometimes i'm insecure cuz he's a very good looking guy. i'm cute, just not to everyone. and i see how females look at him when we're out...