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An Angel Without Wings

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[22 Dec 2013|04:18pm]
[ mood | sad ]

sucks when your special person makes u feel special but then u find out you're not the only one he is making feel special.

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[21 Nov 2013|07:05pm]
i want to tell you every day that i miss you. i want to tell you every day that i love you. and it's so difficult to hold all that in. so difficult that you are not mine when you should be. but you will be. and i still have to wait another month before i can see you and hold you and touch, taste, smell you...and then you'll be gone again until i can see you again in may. but at least we will be able to go away together. niagara falls! woo!
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[07 Nov 2013|08:56pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

it's not that i don't want to be friends with her, i do. we have to get along if we are both going to be in his life. but at this point i don't need a hand grabbing my ankle trying to pull me down when i'm trying to get myself up. idk if that makes any sense as i'm not sure how to express myself right now. she wants to act like she's better than me and that's negative energy i can't deal with currently. hopefully in the future we can be friends or something...

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[07 Nov 2013|01:14am]
i stand in the hot shower and count my scars. the heat brings my splotches to bright attention. i try now to think of why i wanted to make myself so ugly back then and why now it's become my closest friend, my lover, my addiction. oh how beautiful it feels when skin separates from skin and sweet dark velvet comes out and spills over the shore. beautiful, beautiful relief...

but now i want to stop. i do not want my future to see my past. i am trying to turn back time and erase how i have destroyed myself. i am fragile but i am strong. i don't want him to see how weak i have been. but it hurts to hide. when, ever, is the right time for destroying revelations? i am desperate to fix myself.
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[02 Nov 2013|01:21am]
someone posted a question on facebook: "do you have a significant other and what do you love about them? and i replied: "i was thinking about this term earlier..."significant other". now we aren't together but he is very significant to me. over this past year he has helped me to see that i can trust, that someone can love you just for you (mess and all) and not for what you have or can offer them. he has helped me to see that i am already beautiful and to be more confident. i can come to him with problems and can be a mess and he shows me no judgement. we have an amazing mental and physical connection. i think he is a strong man, an amazing man, a gone through hell and back and come out shining man, a brilliant, beautiful mind, and a great father. and even though he is miles and miles away, i know he'll come back and i miss him endlessly...love of my [future] life..."
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thinking... [25 Oct 2013|11:49pm]
maybe it's just fun to play pretend. i mean how can you really know a person...really know them, when they are a million miles away? words are great, they boost you up and tear you down. sometimes at the same time. you are all i want you to be. and maybe that's my mistake. maybe i built you up so high and it's going to crash down on me.

cuz maybe it's just fun to play pretend.
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[23 Oct 2013|06:33pm]
[ mood | happy ]

things are ok, settled down, i suppose. work is work and the air is getting colder. i miss my fantastic mr. fox. sunday night when i came out from work and got into my car i found a longstem pink rose, a card, and chocolate on my windshield. it was awesome! i didn't even expect it from him since he has been out of state for work. but he had a layover and left me an awesome gift. i love him <3 and im glad i have confirmation of his feelings for me. everyday is a step closer to my future.

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are we flying or falling? [06 Oct 2013|10:40pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

sometimes he makes me feel like i am the most special thing in the world and other times i feel like i am invisible to him. makes me confused and sad. i suppose i just have to realize i am not what he wants. or the timing is wrong or something...idk...

help me turn off.

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long days, longer nights [02 Oct 2013|09:13pm]
i can tell you here what i cannot tell you to your face. i love you, dh. with everything that i am. with all my smiles and tears and laughs and sighs and flaws. and i love yours, too. you're my superbatman lol. you amaze me and inspire me to be a better me while you love me just the way i am. and whether you tell me those words or not right now, i know there is something special between us. from the time we started talking. and while we have had our rocky moments, you're still my boofy. you're so strong. and even when you're not or you think you're not, i will be behind you to hold you up and will take your hand and help you forward. you're the man i have been waiting for. and that scares me. i am scared. 5 months now you have been away. but i wait for you.

.......i wait for you.
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panic at the disco [27 Sep 2013|09:16pm]
[ mood | jealous ]

i hate feeling jealous. i hate feeling like im going to lose out. now i know she was his friend before i ever came in the picture but i dont want him to choose her over me. now i have it in my head that they're going to get back together and it makes my stomach hurt. but i try to remember they had 2 years to work things out and they haven't and he and i are going away together. that has to count for something, right? and i guess it's going to what it's going to be and either way i will live. just hate feeling like this. wish i could stop. and it's like she knows i get jealous too and she rubs it in my face. ugh!

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[09 Sep 2013|12:58pm]
i miss him soooooo much! :(
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let go or hold on? [02 Sep 2013|01:45am]
[ mood | i dont know ]

why am i so stupid? my brain knows we are just friends but my heart refuses to listen and i dont know how to change that. i am making myself suffer, probably needlessly. i guess it gives me something to do. i havent seen my godson in months and i miss him terribly. i dont know when i will be able to see him either. where is the switch to turn my feelings off?

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suffering in the friend zone [15 Aug 2013|11:05pm]
[ mood | sad ]

it has been 3 months and 13 days since i have seen him last. and i miss him. and i heard a song, colder weather by zac brown band and it makes me cry. cuz that is us.

"Colder Weather"

She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights shining through the window pane

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then?
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You got a gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'.

At a truck stop diner just outside of Lincoln,
The night is black as the coffee he was drinkin',
And in the waitress' eyes he sees the same ol' light a-shinin',
He thinks of Colorado and the girl he left behind him

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then?
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You got a gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin' (born for leavin')

Well, it's a winding road
When you're in the lost and found
You're a lover – I'm a runner
And we go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here, baby

Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then?
Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change (I ain't ever gonna change)
I got a gypsy soul to blame
And I was born for leavin' (born for leavin')

When I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
But I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait 'til then
I can't wait 'til then

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ok a new start...again lol [03 Aug 2013|12:15am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

idk if anyone on my friend list is even still around or uses this or will see this. but hello :)

june 30th, my birthday, was my new start. yes, for 32 years i have felt cluttered, pressed down, and hindered. i am diabetic and have had issues with my left foot for the past 5 or so years with various ulcers and infections. i have had several surgeries over the years to clean out infections. i have lived on my own for short periods of time but have always moved back in with my mom when i got sick and had my surgeries. my safety net. i had my last foot surgery on may 24th which finally closed up my foot ulcer. i had surgery and was off work for 2 months at the beginning of the year. needless to say, im sick of being sick! so why am i not taking better care of myself? we will come back to that question though...

i have been going to church more and really opening myself up to what God has for me and learning to put my trust and faith in Him. it's been tough but i keep trying. this has really been a test for me. my mom was laid off and we have always struggled financially but this was extra hard. we got help from family, church, plus my and my stepdad's checks. then we got news the rent was being raised. we decided to move and had 45 days to do it in. they decided to move in with his sister and i was on my own to find a place. so with much help from God and the people he placed in my life i found a place and worked things out for me to move in. and that was even a struggle! but i felt that the time leading up to that was like a person being constipated. everything just piling up and crushing me. but once i got passed this i felt things would open up. like water breaking free from a dam. and i trusted God to help me and He was there every step of the way.

so now i have my own apartment and a new position at work which i am making more money. so now im trying to get my health back in order. i need to start exercising and lose weight and get off these medications. im tired of sticking a needle into my belly fat twice a day, tired of being fat, and single. also add to my issues that im in love with a friend that has put me in the friend zone...le sigh!

so i need a plan, a schedule...i have the motivation. just need to be careful of my foot so the skin doesnt reopen. i want to feel better and look better and be my best self for me and the man i love. im still hoping one day i wont be in the friend zone but who knows!

so that's where im at currently. if anyone is out there reading this, thanks for taking the time. if you have any helpful, encouraging hints and tips feel free to share!

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friday! [19 Oct 2012|07:34pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

idk how long its been since i have been on here...a week? nothing exciting is going on, work is work. im still single and dealing with possibly a game player? jesus help me! my bear turned 6months old on the 17th! here is a pic: FB_IMG_13502296781919920

also i am horny and cranky.

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i think i can, i think i can... [10 Oct 2012|07:40pm]
[ mood | excited ]

im trying to keep this up but its hard without a steady internet connection. saturday was nightmare. i got up early to work and came home and ended up taking a nap. it was a good thing my mom and i were there. around 4pm or so my mom makes me up saying she has to call 911 for my stepdad and cant find her phone. so i call 911 while she does cpr. he had A Fib and wasnt breathing...i mean he was blue. my mom finally brought him back and ems took him to the hospital. today he is getting a pacemaker with a difibrilater. in other news, im getting my godson this weekend! he will be 6 months old next week and can sit up and is eating baby food. cant wait to hold him and kiss him. i miss him so much...i guess thats all for now

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day 2 [05 Oct 2012|08:15pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

today is better. im going to look into seeing a therapist. just need to make sure my insurance covers it. the guy i was dealing with last night and i have apologized to each other and now are talking again. im still not exactly sure what went wrong but i felt it was my fault. usually things are my fault. i believe i have borderline personality disorder but im undiagnosed. but it sounds exactly like me. yet when i read ppls posts about their experiences, i dont seem to fit in. so idk...happy friday. wish i had someone to spend the night with and cuddle with, especially since its raining. i wish he would invite me over. blah...

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rambling...need to vent...might not make sense... [04 Oct 2012|08:07pm]
[ mood | blah ]

hi. i dont know who is out there anymore. i dont know why i cant have a functioning relationship. i have long since broken up with michael. of course he was cheating and apparently wasnt ever attracted to me. told me to my face that he was embarrassed to be seen with me. that hurt. bad. i was so in love with him and he used me and when everything was all used up, he moved on. but i have gotten over it and forgiven him. we hardly talk anymore. mostly i dont like him lol. im his son's godmother. my omari is almost 6 months old and i love him dearly. if i can figure out how to post a pic, i will. his mother is only like 17. i dont see him as much as i used to cuz she is a flake. at one point she was considering letting me adopt him but i think that's not an option anymore. but i treat him as my son, refer to him as my son. that's my baby. i didnt want to love him or get attached because of who his father is. i dont want to have anything to do with his father really. i hate my job. i am back living at home with a racist stepfather i also hate and my mom who wont stand up for me. its very lonely. no one to talk to. i have my best friend, i call her my sister. she is basically my only friend. other ppl i thought were friends turned out to not be friends. live and learn. i met a guy and really liked him, wanted to date him. he said he liked me too. he just didnt have time for me. and apparently, me wanting to spend time with him was an issue as now we are not even friends. im still not totally clear on what happened to upset him so much. again, live and learn. i suppose i will be on here more cuz i deactivated my facebook account. dont ask why. im still not sure. im very lonely and just want to be loved. whats wrong with that?

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too much has gone on in a year... [27 Nov 2010|05:47pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

...so let's just say everything is a mess, as usual, and i thrive on drama, apparently. i guess i'm kinda back...

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the prodigal son [29 Nov 2009|01:33am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

what can be said after so long? i have had many losses in these past years. people die, animals die, friendships die, possibilities die...i wont bore you with the details. so lets just focus on whats happening now. i am 29 and aging faster than i care to. i have no kids of my own and want one. just one. so i am going to see a reproductive endocrinologist on dec 15th. i have no idea what to really expect and am quite nervous. my "partner", as they refer to him on the paperwork doesnt want to even be mentioned. so i'm going alone. this bothers me as he says he does want more kids just not right now. but if i get pregnant thats cool with him. *eye roll* im very nearing 30 and do not want to be childless. my "partner" is michael. he is just about 22 with 3 kids of his own, ages 4, 2, and 10 months old, so i can understand his hesitation. michael and i live together. i have definitely settled down and stopped sleeping around. now before i met him i had a spurt of sleeping around to see if i got pregnant but i have stopped since getting with him. i dont know if i can say the same for him. well, at least at the beginning of our relationship. enter the storm...when i met michael he claimed to be single. his only issue was with his, in his words..."obsessed", friend storm. according to him they had slept together in the past but he didnt like her, etc. truth was that was his girlfriend but he wanted to break up with her but excuseexcuseexcuse. but currently he's with me. yet he still talks to her...even when i ask him not to. so she plays mind games with me saying he's using me and they're still together and blahblahblah...he denies it, of course. but she has settled down with that and i dont know if i have to worry or not. i keep him satisfied in ALL areas (i believe) and he says i'm better than her anyway. sometimes i dont believe him. but thats just cuz of all the shit ive been thru in the past. i enjoy his company. he is both mature and silly and always makes me laugh. sometimes i think im in love with him. sometimes not. i remember the night i fell in love (?) with him. we went to see saw 6. i layed against his chest and well, mostly covered my eyes during the movie, but when i moved to sit up or something he held me against him and wouldnt let me. he is sweet. steve harvey says profess, provide, protect. he has 2 of the 3 down. i love his kids, too. and i think they love me too. i mean sure they annoy the crap out of me sometimes, but thats expected lol. but the oldest, aniya gave me a hug and kiss goodnight. which has never happened before. well,m then the middle, samaria, did the same. made me feel good. feels good to have a family of my own. but all i keep thinking about is if michael and i break up, i wont have anything of my own. i will be alone again. is that a selfish reason for me to have a kid? i know he is so curious as to what i'm putting in here cuz he keeps looking over trying to see. i told him he could read it...lol.

also, sometimes i'm insecure cuz he's a very good looking guy. i'm cute, just not to everyone. and i see how females look at him when we're out...

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